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So, in my small group at church we have a saying for when times get tough and that is that God is stretching us. Well, if you have read any of my other posts, you would see that God has been stretching me like crazy! And now is no exception.

As most of you know, Isaiah got a sugar compound placed in his mitrofinoff to tighten it and hopefully rectify the leaking problem three weeks ago. It worked AWESOMELY! I was so excited and the doctor was hopeful that it may be a permanent fix. Then, yesterday it was almost like a flashback; Isaiah's mitrofinoff started leaking like we had never done anything to it! I mean, he was soaking clothes left and right. His teacher called asking us to send multiple sets of clothes when he comes back, b/c not only did they use all he had, but they also had to use a couple of things from other students as well. He just wouldn't stop leaking!

So, I called the doctor yesterday and last night he decided that he needed to see Isaiah today in the office. I took Isaiah up there and all I could think was that I really hoped that it would leak when the doctor came in, so he would see what I was talking about. Well, sure enough, as the doctor walked in, it was almost as though a geyser had blown it's top! In a way I was happy, but in a way I knew what consequences this could bring. Fortunately, though, the doc came up with an idea: he wanted to make sure Isaiah's bladder was completely empty and then see if it still leaked, hoping that maybe we just weren't emptying his bladder all the way. Well, he emptied it and after a little while it started to leak just a little bit when he got excited and when his belly was pressed, so we were sent home with instructions to keep an eye on it over the weekend and call the doc on Monday.

Well, today is my birthday, so my husband took me and the kids to a Japanese steakhouse that made Isaiah EXTREMELY happy! It was fun to watch his reactions to what the chef did! Then, when we left, it was like all of that excitement and fun disappeared when I found that his shirt was soaked as well as his pants under the mitrofinoff site. I wanted to cry. I text the doctor who responded with clear frustration with the situation, b/c he knows what risks a bladder augmentation on a child carries with it and has been trying everything he can to avoid it and every attempt he has made has failed.

So, long story short, he is going to get the surgery set up that we have been trying to avoid like the plague. I felt like I had been sucker punched and could do nothing about it. That's one of the most frustrating parts of this whole thing: the fact that you can't do anything to help your child, you know? I mean, I have a girlfriend who's son seems to be allergic to EVERYTHING and I wonder how in the world she deals with it. But, she can help him, by avoiding those things. Although, it's extremely difficult at times, it's doable. Here, I can't do anything, but watch and pray. I feel helpless and horrible. You've seen and heard how mothers are the ones that make everything better. Yet, here I am, watching my son get scheduled for yet another surgery (and not just any surgery, one that carries with it HUGE risks) and I can't take any of the pain from him, I can't take his place, I can't make any of it stop.

So, if you don't know Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, you may ask yourself: why would anyone want to serve a God that would do this to their child? I'll tell you, it's not easy. To be completely honest, I have been balling my eyes out the entire time I have been typing this. But, I'll try to explain it the best way I can. I have been through hell. I'm not talking about with Isaiah, I mean hell I brought upon myself through stupid decisions. And, although I wouldn't outright deny God, everything in my life and every one of my actions did. Even after I spat in His face, and kicked Him, and turned my back on Him and shoved that crown of thorns a little harder on His head, He NEVER turned His back on me. EVER. I look back and see so many places and times that His hand was covering me in MY stupidness. HE was covering ME when I was turning my back on HIM. I shouldn't even be here right now! I should be dead or at the very least HIV positive or severely handicapped by my stupidity, but He saved me. He thought I was worth it! Worth getting a nail hammered in both of his hands and feet. Worth having a crown of thorns pounded onto his head until the thorns had actually met bone. Worth getting beaten to within inches of His life. ME! I was worth ALL of that!

Now, I may not understand why Isaiah has to go through what he's going through. I'm no expert on God and His ways or thought processes. There is one thing I do know, though: everything I have ever been through, whether self inflicted or not, has brought me closer to Him and has made me strong enough to deal with and go through this with Isaiah. Yeah, I'm gonna cry along the way, there even times that I am going to wail, but I will tell you God loves Isaiah more than I could ever love him and I will NEVER give up on the ONLY ONE that has NEVER turned His back on me. I will NEVER give the devil another opportunity to have ANY hold in my life, no matter what I have to go through. It may seem tough, but the hope He gives me to know that I am not alone in any of this and that He is crying right along with me and hurting, b/c I am hurting is worth going through this and more.