Hey all! So, I've had a few people read this or hear me talk about Isaiah and a lot of them respond with "you are such an AMAZING mom!" Or, "I don't know how you do it!" And it got me thinking...
See, I don't write this blog for sympathy or praise, one of my main reasons is for people to see how AMAZING God is! You see, I'm not an amazing mom, or even a great mom, b/c of what I deal with regarding Isaiah. It's God living in me, it's the fact that Jesus is the Lord of my life and with that comes the blessings of peace, strength, hope and the endurance to push through the trials of having a special needs child.
It may look easy or it may seem like I have it all together, but the reality is that without Jesus I would be slap drunk and overdosing on pain meds to deal with the drama (and don't think those ideas haven't come to mind at times!). This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I mean, I've been through my own drama that only affected me, but now it's my son and I can't do anything about it. On top of that, the doctor basically blamed me for Isaiah having Spina Bifida. So, if I didn't have Jesus, I would have no hope. I would EASILY be able to drown in my sorrows.
Some of you may say, "there she goes, she off in lala land thinking this Jesus thing is real, but all she is doing is using Him as a crutch, instead of dealing with her emotions" or some such thing, but I lived a lot of my life without Him, thinking He didn't care about me or what I did. It was a lonely, hopeless, dark road to death. But when I truly allowed Him to be Lord of my life, He gave me what I needed to live again! And, yes, at one point He was my crutch, b/c there was no way I could stand without Him, but as an awesome friend of mine said in our homegroup, He is now my legs upon which I stand!
When I was faced with the news that I could lose my son, I was immediately overwhelmed with peace, knowing that Isaiah is really God's little boy and if He wanted to take him at that time, then it was for a purpose. You see, every good and perfect gift comes from God and sometimes those gifts may look kind of crummy at first, but it's to grow us into perfection!
So, my hope is that when you read these posts, you (if you know Christ as your Lord and Savior) walk away encouraged to face whatever trails you must face or (if you do not know Jesus as your Lord and Savior) you see the Light at the end of the tunnel that is beckoning you to come to Him, so He can remove the heavy load that you are carrying. He loves you so much. He wants you to be able to praise in the tough times. He wants you to be able to laugh when it looks like there is no reason to! But most of all, He wants to gush all over you with the love of a Father that truly misses His child.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
WWWAAAYYY to close for comfort!!!
Sorry, folks! I am NOT good with keeping up with this thing! Plus, last year was a pretty good year! Then, December hit....
So, Isaiah was in class with only a few days left till Christmas break and his teacher texts me that he was kind of lethargic, but that they were going to feed him lunch and see how he does. Less than ten minutes later she calls telling me he vomited everywhere. Unfortunately, it was a self declared "pajama day". So, Jeremiah and I were NOT dressed to go anywhere and as some of you know, it's tough enough dressing yourself in a hurry, but a 3 year old?! It's a WHOLE other ballgame!
Well, we FINALLY made it out the door about twenty minutes later and all I could think is, "maybe, it's the shunt", "should I even waste my time taking him to the doc or should I go straight to the hospital?". I will tell you, though, that it does stink paying $150 to go the emergency room to be sent home with nothing. So, all I could do is get to him and figure it out from there.
We get to the school and I'm trying not to stress too much, since the nurse was waiting at the door for me and it only sounds like shunt issues, which we have had. So I know I can handle shunt issues and Isaiah would go through it like a walk in the park. But, then I got to his classroom.....
He looked lifeless in his teachers arms and she was crying and completely stressed out. I desperately wanted to hold him, but knew that I needed to act quickly without adding any stress to the people there.
I gently, but quickly grabbed him and started loading him onto his wheelchair, since that's the only way he can travel in my van and started getting him ready to go! Since I hadn't expected what I saw there, I still had Jeremiah with me, but since we go through so much with Isaiah, I have made it a habit to give Richard a heads up that I may have to dump Jeremiah and run with Isaiah to the hospital, which became the case. I drove as quickly and safely as I could to Richards job to give him Jeremiah, all the while checking Isaiah in my rear view mirror. It seemed as though he was getting worse by the second! Dear, Lord, what was wrong with my baby?! This is NOT a shunt issue!!!
After dropping Jeremiah with Richard, his Neurosurgeon's nurse called and I told her what was going on and she (THANK GOD!) told me that, if I needed to, pull over and have an ambulance meet me! Which is EXACTLY what I did! I had them meet me at my parents house that was less than 5 minutes away. And, on a side note, if you have someone flashing their lights at you, frantically waving for you to scoot over, just do it! My son was literally dying in the back of my van and this guy wanted to play around on the road, instead of letting me pass! It was the scariest thing ever! Isaiah looked like he was NOT going to make it to the hospital!!!
When we finally got to the hospital, my suspicions were confirmed when we were taken straight to trauma! I had never been there before, so I didn't know what was going on! I asked why we were there and they simply said that it helps the doctors and everyone to move faster with him, since they can have everything set up. Now, keep in mind that the furthest my brain is going is shunt issue, since everything has been totally fine with his cathings and flushings....up until they cathed him.
They put him on a bag and BROWN urine came out! BROWN! Not dark yellow, not yellow with traces of blood, BROWN!!!!! Then, they started asking me if he could have possibly gotten to some drugs that he wasn't supposed to take or if he could have drank any chemicals and I'm like, "WHAT?!" I am totally LOST!!!! Then, they tell me that we taken and kept in the PICU for a while and I am still lost! No one is telling me what is going on and I still can't seem to wrap my brain around what I am seeing!
We get up to the PICU and I am immediately kicked out for them to put a PIC (sp?) line in. A PIC line, as I found out in 2010, is a bigger version of an IV, also a more stable version. It's only used, though, when totally necessary, it's not a first choice kind of thing. Well, in 2010 his veins started collapsing from all of the IV's and that was why they went with the PIC line. So, I thought that was why they did it again. I was SO wrong!
Let me insert here that 10:30 am was when his teacher had originally text me, we got to the PICU at about 5:30 in the afternoon and at about 9:30 was when a doctor FINALLY spoke to me to give me an idea of what the heck was going on!
So, I'm sitting in the waiting room, well after my husband has left (he had to get our other two children from my parents house) and a girlfriend of mine was with me. The doctor FINALLY comes in to tell me what is going on and she isn't really telling me much, b/c she has NO CLUE what is wrong with him! I'm in SHOCK! She's supposed to know! She's supposed to come in, tell me "this is what is wrong and this is what we are going to do to fix it!" Instead, she tells me that they are running all kinds of tests and they can't find anything, but that something is attacking my sons ENTIRE body and he is dying! They have placed him in critical condition! I'm still stuck on "Wait, wait, WHAT? So, his shunt isn't malfunctioning?!"
They FINALLY let us in the room with him and he's has more tubes coming out of him than I have EVER seen on ANYONE! They think his lungs may collapse, so they have him on a breathing tube. They are pumping him full of the STRONGEST drugs they have, which is why they have 2 PIC lines going (for my nurse friends, I'm sorry I can't remember the real name of the one that is in his thigh). Then, I found out why he is considered "critical": it's b/c if they take him off any of those powerful drugs, he will die. My son was being kept alive by all the drugs being pumped into him. I was told "he is the worst case in the PICU" by one of the nurses. Now, before my nurse friends or anyone else gets upset at her for telling me that, I asked her to give it to me straight, b/c everyone was fluffing it up so much that I couldn't understand what was going on. I was thinking a day or two in the PICU and then we would go to a regular room for a while. No, his body was in shock when he got to he hospital. He WAS dying in my van.
I've had to do CPR on my son twice and this was the closest I had EVER come to losing him.
Now, some of you may ask: Hold up, I thought she was a Christian! How could God allow this to happen?! Surely, she would have turned from Him this time!
I am a Christian. And no where in the Bible does it say that it is going to be an easy road just b/c of it. As a matter of fact, I am doing a Beth Moore study right now on the book of James and he says "Consider it PURE JOY, my brothers, when facing trials of many kinds. B/c, you know, the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance much finish its work for you to become mature and complete, not lacking anything!" See, it's not easy. It's sometimes not fun, but "every good and perfect gift is from above" (James 1:17) and as I have recently learned in this study, "perfect" doesn't mean what we think it means, it means that it is a gift that is growing us into perfection in Him. So, even this trial is a gift from Him to grow me into perfection in Him!
As though that wasn't enough, as most of you know, I'm a minister of dance. While I was in the hospital with Isaiah, I was given the opportunity to minister to "Praise You in this Storm" by Casting Crowns. I was able to minister to the other parents and children in the same position I was in! See, what we see as hopeless, God sees as an opportunity! Isaiah isn't mine for me to get the glory (or even the fun) out of. He's God's little boy that He's going to bring others to Him by! My son is bringing people to Christ that we would have NEVER reached had he been a "healthy" boy!
Welp, I'll get off my podium now. I pray God helps you to see His plan in your trials!
So, Isaiah was in class with only a few days left till Christmas break and his teacher texts me that he was kind of lethargic, but that they were going to feed him lunch and see how he does. Less than ten minutes later she calls telling me he vomited everywhere. Unfortunately, it was a self declared "pajama day". So, Jeremiah and I were NOT dressed to go anywhere and as some of you know, it's tough enough dressing yourself in a hurry, but a 3 year old?! It's a WHOLE other ballgame!
Well, we FINALLY made it out the door about twenty minutes later and all I could think is, "maybe, it's the shunt", "should I even waste my time taking him to the doc or should I go straight to the hospital?". I will tell you, though, that it does stink paying $150 to go the emergency room to be sent home with nothing. So, all I could do is get to him and figure it out from there.
We get to the school and I'm trying not to stress too much, since the nurse was waiting at the door for me and it only sounds like shunt issues, which we have had. So I know I can handle shunt issues and Isaiah would go through it like a walk in the park. But, then I got to his classroom.....
He looked lifeless in his teachers arms and she was crying and completely stressed out. I desperately wanted to hold him, but knew that I needed to act quickly without adding any stress to the people there.
I gently, but quickly grabbed him and started loading him onto his wheelchair, since that's the only way he can travel in my van and started getting him ready to go! Since I hadn't expected what I saw there, I still had Jeremiah with me, but since we go through so much with Isaiah, I have made it a habit to give Richard a heads up that I may have to dump Jeremiah and run with Isaiah to the hospital, which became the case. I drove as quickly and safely as I could to Richards job to give him Jeremiah, all the while checking Isaiah in my rear view mirror. It seemed as though he was getting worse by the second! Dear, Lord, what was wrong with my baby?! This is NOT a shunt issue!!!
After dropping Jeremiah with Richard, his Neurosurgeon's nurse called and I told her what was going on and she (THANK GOD!) told me that, if I needed to, pull over and have an ambulance meet me! Which is EXACTLY what I did! I had them meet me at my parents house that was less than 5 minutes away. And, on a side note, if you have someone flashing their lights at you, frantically waving for you to scoot over, just do it! My son was literally dying in the back of my van and this guy wanted to play around on the road, instead of letting me pass! It was the scariest thing ever! Isaiah looked like he was NOT going to make it to the hospital!!!
When we finally got to the hospital, my suspicions were confirmed when we were taken straight to trauma! I had never been there before, so I didn't know what was going on! I asked why we were there and they simply said that it helps the doctors and everyone to move faster with him, since they can have everything set up. Now, keep in mind that the furthest my brain is going is shunt issue, since everything has been totally fine with his cathings and flushings....up until they cathed him.
They put him on a bag and BROWN urine came out! BROWN! Not dark yellow, not yellow with traces of blood, BROWN!!!!! Then, they started asking me if he could have possibly gotten to some drugs that he wasn't supposed to take or if he could have drank any chemicals and I'm like, "WHAT?!" I am totally LOST!!!! Then, they tell me that we taken and kept in the PICU for a while and I am still lost! No one is telling me what is going on and I still can't seem to wrap my brain around what I am seeing!
We get up to the PICU and I am immediately kicked out for them to put a PIC (sp?) line in. A PIC line, as I found out in 2010, is a bigger version of an IV, also a more stable version. It's only used, though, when totally necessary, it's not a first choice kind of thing. Well, in 2010 his veins started collapsing from all of the IV's and that was why they went with the PIC line. So, I thought that was why they did it again. I was SO wrong!
Let me insert here that 10:30 am was when his teacher had originally text me, we got to the PICU at about 5:30 in the afternoon and at about 9:30 was when a doctor FINALLY spoke to me to give me an idea of what the heck was going on!
So, I'm sitting in the waiting room, well after my husband has left (he had to get our other two children from my parents house) and a girlfriend of mine was with me. The doctor FINALLY comes in to tell me what is going on and she isn't really telling me much, b/c she has NO CLUE what is wrong with him! I'm in SHOCK! She's supposed to know! She's supposed to come in, tell me "this is what is wrong and this is what we are going to do to fix it!" Instead, she tells me that they are running all kinds of tests and they can't find anything, but that something is attacking my sons ENTIRE body and he is dying! They have placed him in critical condition! I'm still stuck on "Wait, wait, WHAT? So, his shunt isn't malfunctioning?!"
They FINALLY let us in the room with him and he's has more tubes coming out of him than I have EVER seen on ANYONE! They think his lungs may collapse, so they have him on a breathing tube. They are pumping him full of the STRONGEST drugs they have, which is why they have 2 PIC lines going (for my nurse friends, I'm sorry I can't remember the real name of the one that is in his thigh). Then, I found out why he is considered "critical": it's b/c if they take him off any of those powerful drugs, he will die. My son was being kept alive by all the drugs being pumped into him. I was told "he is the worst case in the PICU" by one of the nurses. Now, before my nurse friends or anyone else gets upset at her for telling me that, I asked her to give it to me straight, b/c everyone was fluffing it up so much that I couldn't understand what was going on. I was thinking a day or two in the PICU and then we would go to a regular room for a while. No, his body was in shock when he got to he hospital. He WAS dying in my van.
I've had to do CPR on my son twice and this was the closest I had EVER come to losing him.
Now, some of you may ask: Hold up, I thought she was a Christian! How could God allow this to happen?! Surely, she would have turned from Him this time!
I am a Christian. And no where in the Bible does it say that it is going to be an easy road just b/c of it. As a matter of fact, I am doing a Beth Moore study right now on the book of James and he says "Consider it PURE JOY, my brothers, when facing trials of many kinds. B/c, you know, the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance much finish its work for you to become mature and complete, not lacking anything!" See, it's not easy. It's sometimes not fun, but "every good and perfect gift is from above" (James 1:17) and as I have recently learned in this study, "perfect" doesn't mean what we think it means, it means that it is a gift that is growing us into perfection in Him. So, even this trial is a gift from Him to grow me into perfection in Him!
As though that wasn't enough, as most of you know, I'm a minister of dance. While I was in the hospital with Isaiah, I was given the opportunity to minister to "Praise You in this Storm" by Casting Crowns. I was able to minister to the other parents and children in the same position I was in! See, what we see as hopeless, God sees as an opportunity! Isaiah isn't mine for me to get the glory (or even the fun) out of. He's God's little boy that He's going to bring others to Him by! My son is bringing people to Christ that we would have NEVER reached had he been a "healthy" boy!
Welp, I'll get off my podium now. I pray God helps you to see His plan in your trials!
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