Hardest hit ever

So, I know I haven't posted in FOREVER, but a lot has gone on. We moved 2 states away into a house that has required a LOT of work, so to say it has been crazy would be an understatement.

But, on October 20, 2013, our world got knocked of it's axis and I am still struggling to get things back to rights. It was a Sunday morning, but to really understand, I have to go back. For a few months prior, we were in and out of the hospital, b/c his new teachers were insistent that there was blood in his urine and yet I couldn't get any, nor could any of his doctors. It actually got pressed to the point that they threatened to call child protective services on me.

Well, the Friday before, my husband and I let him and our other two children spend the night with their aunt and uncle, which was VERY new to us, since no one ever really felt comfortable enough to have him overnight, except for my parents-in-love. The next day (Saturday) we picked him up and he started showing cold symptoms, which wasn't surprising, since it was starting to cool off and he always got stuffy noses.

So, Sunday morning, I decided that I would check on him (as I was throughout the night before) just before church to determine whether or not he and I would go to church. When I went to check him my heart sunk with what I saw. Isaiah was laying facedown in his own vomit. It wasn't surprising, though, since he would always vomit at some point, if he was stopped up. But, when I turned him over to get him off the vomit and get him cleaned up, my heart stopped. His breathing was VERY shallow. Trying not to freak out, I asked my husband to check him, as I packed my backpack for the hospital and tell me if I am overreacting. He immediately yelled at me to call 911. My world begins to tilt. I normally took him to hospital myself, he has never told me to call 911.

I called 911 and the ambulance was at my home in minutes. They surrounded his bed, it seemed so surreal. It seemed to take forever and they finally explained to me that they were trying to get him stable enough to transport him.... What?!?!?! Finally, they do and they rush us to the regular hospital, instead of the children's hospital, because they don't think he will make it all the way to the children's hospital. *it's okay..... Just breathe..... We've been here before.... Just breathe....*

At the hospital, we were met with by some of our recently met friends from our new church, which was so surprising! It's a Sunday morning! Surely, you would much rather be at church, praising the Lord, right???

When, I get past that, I find that the doctors and nurses are working feverishly on Isaiah. They start CPR and epinephrin shots... * Wait, what?!?! I know what epinephrin shots are for!!!! WHAT IS GOING ON??? We aren't even supposed to still be here!!! We are supposed to be on the way to the
children's hospital, so we can stay for a couple of day and then go home! * They did CPR for over 2 hours! I thought I was going to lose my mind in those 2 hours!!!! The doctor kept coming up to me and talking, but I couldn't hear or understand him! Finally, he tells me that the cycle are trying to stabilize him to be life flighted to the childrens hospital, because they aren't capable of handling pediatric issues. Then, the life flight people walk in and tell me that they only brought the ambulance, since they didn't even think he would even make it long enough to get on the helicopter. *HUH??? What the heck is going on????*

Well, they "stabilized" him enough to go to the children's hospital. Now, let me tell you, remember the new friends I told you about? I really expected them to all tell me and my husband to let us know how it goes and that they would be praying for us. THEY FOLLOWED US!!! We had a TRAIN speeding behind our ambulance!

I was a little stressed going to the children's hospital, but hey, isn't this classic Isaiah? Get as close to
death as he can, with as many dramatics as he can and then whip around as though nothing had ever
happened! So, they took us straight to the PICU, which comforted me, since I had been here before. They had to put a PICC line in to handle the drugs he needed, so they kicked us out.

When we went to the waiting room, there were even MORE people from our new church there! They had a bunch of "to go" boxes there and I was told that, they couldn't figure out what we would want to eat, so they got one of everything!!!!! In there, we joked and laughed and talked and it was great! I called my parents to let them know what was going on and my mom said they were on their way FROM GEORGIA!!! I didn't understand why they had to come, but I certainly didn't mind!

Forever later,  nurse came out and one of my friends told me that she's just a nurse, it is still okay. And it was, the nurse just said that they are in the middle of trying to get the PICC line in and it should just be a little longer.

A few minutes later, my world toppled over. The doctor came.

She asked for me and my husband.

She rushed us everywhere, trying to find an empty private room.

She talked about Isaiah, about his heart going into cardiac arrest every time they tried to put the PICC line in and that they would remove as much as they could for me to be able to hold him in his last moments.

She didn't say "I'm sorry", though. We are still okay, right?

As she walked us to the room, my husband kept repeating to me that "it is not okay, Veronica. Do you understand? Everything is not okay."


We got to the room and the head nurse came in and said it.

"I'm sorry. There is nothing more we can do."

I got to hold him, but I knew that the machines weren't helping him. He was gone... Only his body remained. My world is now completely upside down.

I had to make the decision, because I know my husband doesn't want to even  make me think about it,
if I don't want to. I have to take my beautiful heart off of life support.

I had to leave my heart in that hospital bed.

This last year has been so surreal as my husband, children and I try to adjust to this new family unit. We have been pools of tears, bubbles of laughter, wads of fear, but - over all of it - full of trust that God knows so much better than we do, what is best for every one of us. I can't say that I completely understand why God had to take him, but it really has opened my eyes, yet again, to His amazing ability to prepare us for this journey. He took Isaiah soon after we began our new life here in Mississippi, which meant that I didn't have to try to live in a house that we built around him. He took him before my husband and I set up our new bathroom to meet his needs as he grew older and bigger. And He only took him after we had our incredible new church family and loving friends firmly placed around us to soften the blow. This was the most crippling hit I have ever been dealt, but because my God loves me, I have had the most amazing friends to help me keep getting back to my feet, when I have those days that try to push me so hard into a pit of despair.

I'm just in awe of how the Creator of the universe could think of some of the most minute details of a little nothing like me! "His love is like a hurricane and I am a tree, bending beneathe the weight of His wind and mercy."