Introduction...

I don't know if anyone will ever read this, but I figured I would give it a try! It's nothing fancy, just my joys and struggles of raising a special needs child. I just hope that it may encourage someone out there who may be going through it as well.

I have a beautiful son (Isaiah) who is going to be 5 in 3 days. He's had over 20 surgeries, the first of which was 2 hours after he was born. When I had him I wasn't able to see him until they finally brought him to my room for a couple of minutes before they rushed him across the street for his first surgery. Well, let me start from the beginning:

My husband and I met and were married about 5 minutes later in May of 2004. Three months later we found out we were pregnant. In about January of 2005 I received a frantic call from the doctor's office that he tested positive on his Spina Bifida (SB)/Down Syndrome test. Assured about 20 times before the call was over that there are tons of false positives, I was set up for an ultrasound at the hospital the following day to confirm the finding and find out the sex of our baby. Thinking all would be fine, my husband took the day off to go with me to this exciting visit.

Well, the tech did an ultrasound, then a doctor was brought in to do another one, finally a second doctor came in to confirm the first doctor's assessment and that was when we were told it was a boy! Thinking all was well, we were excited with the news until the doctor returned to the room and asked to speak with us in his office. When we entered his office and sat down, we knew our meeting was not going to be good. In a cool, calm demeanor the doctor explained to us that our son indeed has SB and that there is no telling what his condition will be when he is born. It seemed like it couldn't get any worse, but then the next words out of his mouth completely sucked the air right out of me as though I had be punched in the stomach...he asked if we wanted to terminate the pregnancy! I asked him if SB was fatal (since, I had never even heard of it until then) and he said "no, we just have to always give that option"! I was shocked! I couldn't imagine killing my unborn child, b/c he would be an inconvenience for me!

We left his office and the hospital in disbelief. Wanting to be excited over the news that we were having a boy, but so scared at same time that our future with him was so uncertain. With SB there is no telling what will be affected. Some children have it and don't even know it, some have it so severely that they are unable to function until they are much older. Some are able to walk, some will live the rest of their lives dependent on a wheelchair to get around. So, the doctors couldn't tell us anything other than, "if you're going to have SB, you definitely want the opening where his is", meaning with SB the spinal cord is filleted open and Isaiah's opening was at the base of his spine and only about 4 vertebrae long. But, even with this news, we still didn't know what to expect.

I finally gave birth to him on June 9th of 2005. They had to do an emergency c-section, b/c I was in labor for 2 days and wasn't dilating fast enough AND his heart rate kept dropping at each of the contractions. When they got him out they showed him to me quickly and took him and my husband away to explain to my husband (Richard) what the game plan was. Once they closed me up, they took me to the post-op room. I thought I was going to go crazy in there. Hearing the babies coming in and pictures being taken of the babies and the happy parents and the whole time wondering what was happening to my son. Where was he? Was I going to get to see him before he went into surgery? What did he look like? Now, keep in mind that they only allow the babies father to come into the post-op room and they took him with my son, so I am totally alone in this room listening to all of these sounds and left to my frantic thoughts!

Finally, I heard my husbands voice calling my name! He came to me with a picture of my beautiful son! You would think that would have been so wonderful, but I can't explain how that just seemed to make the fact that I couldn't see him SO MUCH WORSE! They finally took me to my room, PRAISE GOD! So, I didn't have to hear the happy couples and babies anymore! At that point I just conked out from exhaustion! A little while later they brought him in an incubator laying on his tummy. His back was bandaged up where the opening was, but the bandaging was already red from the blood that had seeped through. The doctor had told me in the beginning it wasn't my fault, but if I had taken in more folic acid, I could have probably prevented it. I tell you what, at that point, when I saw him in that incubator, I felt like the worst mother. Like, it was ALL my fault that my son was where he was.

For two days my nurses worked hard with me to get me walking, so I could go across the street to see him. And finally on the second day I went and got to hold him and I just melted. From that point forward, I never regretted our decision not to terminate the pregnancy, b/c he had (and still has) the face of an angel. I know that God gave him to us for a reason and that He has BIG plans for him.

Well, I guess that's all I'll write for now. I'll share more later. Until then, I pray that God's face will shine upon you through the wonderful gift He has given you of children.