What do you have to say?

So, we are still here at the hospital and it's starting to stink, b/c I know he's sick of being here and I can't do anything to make it better. He's getting so tired and watching him today was heartbreaking, b/c the nurses and staff can't just leave him alone!

Finally, we got a moment alone and Isaiah has never been able to speak before and today was one of the few times that have truly broken my heart not to be able to hear him speak. We just sat there and stared into each others eyes and it just felt like he really had something he wanted to say, but couldn't. You know, Isabella and Jeremiah talk my ears off! There are times that I have to tell Isabella that her mouth is in time out, b/c I would just love the sound of silence for a moment. But, this silence kills me. What I would give to hear him say "Mommy" or "Daddy"...ANYTHING. And only this year did I find out that his inability to speak is not normal for children with spina bifida. I was planning on trying to find out why he couldn't speak, but he can't seem to get a break from the hospital for me to get this checked out!

You know how as a parent, there are times that something goes on with your child, like they are crying, and you have no idea why? But, you are usually able to figure it out and although you don't know all of the time, for the most part you are able to be your childs hero and fix the problem. I feel like that with Isabella and Jeremiah, but a special needs child is a whole different thing that can make you feel like the ultimate failure. He's tired of being here, he's tired of being poked and prodded, he's tired of the surgeries and all I can do is try to comfort him as yet another needle is pushed through his skin and hold him down as they try to draw even more blood from him.

It's so hard to hear that we've created yet another false passage while catheterizing him earning him yet another surgery. I don't know how many times I have questioned everything I have done and why God would have chosen me to care for this fragile child when I find out that he's gotten his umteenth UTI.

But, here's the thing: According to the Bible, God doesn't make mistakes. There is a reason He chose the screw up to care for His sweet little angel. So, the way I figure, it's not always easy for me to believe it, but God seems to think I am the most perfect and best mother that Isaiah could have, b/c He knows every single mother, every single woman for that matter, that has ever graced this Earth and will ever grace this Earth and of all of those billions and billions of women that He could have given Isaiah to, He looked at me and said "There she is! That's the one that I made just for him! That's the one that orchestrated all of these little things in order to create, so she could care for my little man!" How amazing is that??? You know how we sit there and compare ourselves to everyone else, whether it's in parenting, looks, finances, everything! You see, God knows all of them and who they REALLY are and still said that YOU are the one He knew could handle whatever situation you find yourself in. He knows that YOU are the VERY BEST one for the job, no matter how much better you may think so-and-so could do.

Anyway...that's how He encouraged me today. Hope it encourages you!